Mom, Do you believe in an "active" God?

This question was asked of me by my son last night. And it got me thinking....... What do I believe? So, here is my answer. In the last couple years, my faith was tested as it had never been tested before. And, for awhile, I thought I might have lost it...

We are blessed with wonderful children who have found wonderful mates and an absolutely outstanding granddaughter, H, who is now four. In the spring of 2004, my daughter-in-law called and said she was pregnant again! We talked awhile and I said that was wonderful and that she and my son make beautiful babies.

In the summer during an ultrasound, the kids were told that the baby was a boy and he had problems with his right arm....it might be attached to his body, it was too short, etc. We soon found out that he had a missing thumb and ring finger. We regrouped and decided that this would, of course, make his life harder but it was not such a big deal. Doable. He was named Alexandar.

In early October, the 6th, I believe, another ultrasound showed a problem with his esophagus. It appeared to be too narrow. His heart looked good. It was a difficult time but we were sure that with surgery (ies??), he would be fine...or at least he would be with us. We all knew that life probably would be difficult for Alexandar but we were as ready as possible to handle all those problems and figure out a way to help him handle it all, too!

Alex was born on January 24, 2005. Bob and I had H. with us and when Christian called and said, "His trachea is too narrow" we were quietly devastated. He was intubated, baptized, and rushed to Children's Hospital of Wisconsin in Milwaukee that same morning. We had H. with us so we just kept moving and praying. My arms longed to just hug everyone and say it would all be OK. Sometimes a mom's arms just don't work as they long to no matter HOW strong the desire.

Christian called and asked if we would go with him to Milwaukee to see Alex and the neonatal doctors. So, we went. I remember the moment when the neonatologist said surgery was possible to try to widen his trachea but there was only a 50% chance it would be successful. I believe this was the first time I really thought maybe he wouldn't make it. It was unbelievable and totally wrong. He was a beautiful child with reddish hair and bright eyes -- with a good grip, even from the little fingers of his right hand.

I have prayed many, many times in my life but never like I did during that time. How could something SO inconceivable be happening to people I love? Watching Amy Lynn and Christian handle this was so very difficult. Watching Christian tell Amy Lynn the odds was one of the worst moments. She had remained in the hospital in Madison and was eagerly waiting for Christian to return to reassure her. A mom wants to take pain away, not be ineffective at stopping it. Seeing the two of them absorb the less than positive news was beyond heartbreaking.

We watched H. a lot during those days, weeks and months. She was our ray of sunshine, just by being herself. And it helped the kids handle the visits to Milwaukee pretty much every day. What else could we do?

I will maybe write about the weeks at the hospital later but for now, just know that Alex lost his fight (and it WAS a fight!) on April 9, 2005. I think a piece of each of us in that room was lost, too, that night. I do believe that I will always be able to "go there" and feel that pain. Always. I told Amy Lynn that night that I believed that her mom now had a grandchild to watch over and love. I believe that.

So, now...is there an active God? For me, I do believe there is. There is simply too much that is good and beautiful in the world to think it all just "sprang forth" with no plan. I thought about this a lot in the last few hours since Christian's question. I heard after the tsunami that the Buddhist faith teaches that bad (and good) things just happen. They aren't driven by a master plan or organized by a supreme deity. They just are. I also heard that the Buddhist faith/philosophy teaches that all suffer 10,000 joys AND 10,000 sorrows. No one gets off or out without them all. They may vary in degrees but all are suffered and enjoyed by everyone.

I don't believe God allows evil or disease or sadness. He gives us the freewill to chose how we handle it all. What decisions do we make that allow evil to continue? How do we help obliterate disease? What choices do we make to be so overwhelmed by grief that we can't see and love those in front of us? A statement I have been making ever since Alex's death is "It is what it is." Those words seem to help me stay calm when I wish to fly into many pieces. I also think they are a prayer. In other words, something on the order of "Thy Will Be Done."